My Attempt To Read Between The ‘Female Line’ Left Me With No Decoder Ring, But Plenty Of Temporary Tattoos

 

No Decoder Ring, But Plenty Of Temporary Tattoos

 

 

Miscommunication issues in one’s relationship drive some to the bar to drink their sorrow away. Others drive around the block to calm down and clear their head. I, on the other hand, go a different route. It is one that usually finds me clearing out the candy aisle in the local grocery store. Over the past few days I have been eating Cracker Jacks like a fiend hoping at the bottom of the box will be a special prize. In order to enhance my chances, I have placed my milk issues on hold and wash out those caramel kernels stuck in my teeth with huge quantities of Ovaltine. Heck, I have been playing the Christmas Story on a loop just in case Ralphie’s presence will provide me extra luck.

Maybe we have been placing the wrong object around our fingers when we stand at the altar and pledge our love to one another. Platinum, titanium and white gold rings are nice, but can be a bit pricy. They also do not help one understand their significant other any better. Why waste thousands of dollars when a quarter can enable a husband to break through the “secret” language of his wife? Alas, decoder rings seem to be a thing of the past.

If I had a secret decoder ring in my possession, maybe I might actually comprehend the words coming out of Jenn’s mouth. It would help me read between the ‘female lines’ so to speak. Sometimes it is like she is speaking a completely different language, which makes sense due to her being an alien hailing from the planet Venus. I might be way off base, but I am starting to believe what Jenn says is not what she really means. No wonder I cannot understand her.

In order to help other married men avoid the “dog house,” I have begun to break the secret code. Here is what I have learned so far:

 

I’m Not Upset = You’re a big jerk. I cannot believe that you do not know the exact reason why I am fuming inside.

How Much Do You Love Me? = I want something that is going to break the bank or I did something that is going to completely set you off.

I’ll Be Ready In A Minute = I’ve still got to do my hair, put on my makeup and change my outfit at least 5 more times. I’ll be another 40 minutes at the earliest.

What Was That? Was It One Of The Girls? = Get your butt out of bed. I’m wrapped up in my cocoon of blankets all warm and snuggly.

I Wish We Had New Couches = I hate that our Wal-Mart budget does not match up with my Pottery Barn taste.

The Clothes Won’t Fold Themselves = How is it possible that you can sit next to a huge pile of laundry and not budge?

Maybe If You Play Your Cards Right I’ll Think About It = Your fate has already been decided. It is a no.

Do You Think _____________ (insert pop culture icon) Is Attractive? = I’m feeling extremely chubby today.

Are You Wearing That? = Do you get dressed in the dark? There is no way I am going to be seen with you in public wearing that outfit. 

Are You Listening To Me? = It doesn’t matter what she really means because you have earned yourself a one-way ticket to the couch for the night. 

When Will My Ghetto DVD Player Go To The Big Electronics Store In The Sky?

 

Be Kind Rewind

 

 

Our ghetto DVD player has been on its’ last leg for quite awhile now. Numerous discussions have taken place about moving on and finally upgrading to something fancy: you know like the kind ritzy city folks own that do not freeze up every 5 seconds. After cutting in and out during a key moment in a romantic comedy, Jenn contemplated smashing the machine to smithereens and sending it to the big electronics store in the sky.  The DVD player was unaware that absolutely nothing gets between Jenn and John Cusack.

Granted there are some benefits to the machine we own. Thanks to the player’s tendency to skip, the girls barely have time to get cozy on the couch in their PJ’s before a movie is over and it is bedtime. In a blink of an eye, Ariel goes from fin to feet in the Little Mermaid while Snow White somehow moves from rooming with 7 midgets to instantly living large in a castle with her prince. This piece of electronics has also saved me from enduring numerous chick flicks and for that I am forever grateful.

Don’t get me wrong, I know the time has come to read the DVD player its’ last rites. But, I just don’t have the strength to do so. The machine holds sentimental value, as it was the only man gift I took home from our wedding. Actually, Jenn was gracious enough to let me use gift cards to purchase it after our reception, but that is beside the point. Having received plenty of Bed and Bath, she realized I was close to ‘beyond’ the point of no return if I had to unwrap another mixer, kitchen utensil or smelly candle.

Maybe another reason I cling to the machine is for the fact it reminds me of how often I stumble over my words. Just like the DVD player, there seems to be no rhyme or reason to when my tongue goes into fast forward or reverse mode. When I find myself in a social gathering attempting to make small talk, my mind races over what to say while my words sputter out in slow motion. I notice a look of confusion coming from the person standing across from me as they attempt to follow the story as it skips from point to point.  The conversation plays out so smoothly in my head. It is sharp, witty and always on point. Yet, the dialogue gets lost in translation during the execution. Pretty soon I give up, excuse myself and head towards the bathroom.

Then there are the occasions when life seems to be happening in slow motion while my words come out in warp speed.  I watch them flow out of my mouth one by one, but before I can stop myself the closing credits are running with a path of devastation playing in the background. This time I receive a different look from the person standing across from me. It is one of heartbreak and pain. My words have caused hurt I cannot take back and wounds that will take time to heal. During these times of chatter, I wish life were like a DVD player and came with a pause and rewind button. It would allow me to be kind and rewind. Yes, I have a grasp on technology and realize you do not have to rewind your DVD’s. I was using some artistic liberty as an author to put a neat bow on this blog entry. So deal with it. There goes my fast forwarding mouth acting up again.