Curing 30 Years One Month At A Time

December 3, 2008

If it walks like a Momma’s Boy and talks like a Momma’s Boy, it’s probably Ryan Seacrest

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , — 30tocure30 @ 9:59 pm


Thanks Ryan For Bringing "Mommie-Wipe-My-Pattotie-Itis" To The Attention Of America

Just Another Momma's Boy


Ryan Seacrest and Oprah Winfrey have secretly joined together in an unholy alliance to slowly take over all of television. I have no concrete proof to validate my claim.  But, it will be only a matter of days until TMZ confirms my suspicion by showing the dynamic duo having lunch together at the Ivy. Oprah has succeeded in her mission of mesmerizing all of womanhood. Now it is Ryan’s turn to capture all of the Momma’s Boys in the world. Ryan, I beg of you to just stick to the metrosexuals and leave the rest of us alone.

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you know that on Tuesday, December 16th NBC will roll out “Momma’s Boys” which the Frosted Tipped One is executive producer. The basic premise of the show centers on a group of mothers who must help choose the perfect woman for their complacent sons. The question the series tries to answer is: Who is really the most important woman in every man’s life?

Now, I could go on a rant about how this crappy reality television show is another sign pointing us one step closer to the apocalypse, but being an avid “Big Brother” fan I’d be a bit of a hypocrite. So, let’s leave that debate for another day and time. Instead, I want to bring to your attention a growing disease that is quickly becoming an epidemic in our culture called “mommie-wipe-my-pattotie-itis.”

Males can contract this horrible disease if the doctor fails to cut the umbilical cord at birth. Leaving the cord uncut prevents growth in males and causes them to be dependent on their mother. Other symptoms include the inability to handle pressure, make decisions or deal with their insecurities. The disease attacks the emotional development by fostering dependence on the mother. It has also been known to affect vision, as males will see every woman through their mother’s eyes.

For 30 years I have been living with “mommie-wipe-my-pattotie-itis.” I attempted to ignore the symptoms throughout my adolescence even though I saw the signs early on: mom dressing me up in turtleneck sweaters in 6th grade, having her cut up my steak, fold my laundry, make my bed and my tendency to pout when I didn’t get my way. Looking back at it, I never found it odd that the first time I learned how to use a washer and dryer was the day my parents dropped me off at college freshmen year. This disease is tricky because there are attractive symptoms like the constant coddling and meeting of your every need.

Learning how to manage the disease after meeting Jenn proved tricky. The indicators of “mommie-wipe-my-pattotie-it is” kept going off like a store’s security sensor when Wynona Ryder is shopping. The only way I knew how to live life was for a woman to make decisions and determine its’ direction. It should come as no surprise that this caused a decent amount of friction when Jenn and I began dating and eventually in our marriage. Jenn was looking for me to be her knight in shinning armor only to find a stable boy terrified of getting on the horse. She needed a leader and often what she got was an indecisive follower. Over time, I’ve begun to deal with my disease. But, the doctors say the only cure is a painful procedure that involves cutting the cord. The month of December is when I go under the knife. Ripa out!


  1. Hahahahahaha…You left out one of my favorite momma’s boy moments…when your mom called mr oboyle (big don) and got your grade changed. 🙂

    Comment by Amy — December 3, 2008 @ 10:24 pm

  2. Dude, it might be hereditary…

    Italy has the highest percentage of adult males who live in their parents’ home, according to a study of industrialized countries released last week. Stop Mothering Men (SMM), an international women’s group, commissioned the report, which found that 90 per cent of Italian men remain at home until they marry.

    “By making this reality public, it is our hope that men in developed countries who still live with their mothers will feel ashamed and leave the family nest,” said SMM spokesperson Laurel Shue. “If you are an employed adult, your mother should not be packing you a lunch each weekday.”

    Vittorio Catania, 34, a real estate broker in Milan who lives at home, disagreed.

    “There’s no shame in the fact that my mother does my laundry,” he said. “I respect women. Until I find a wife to do my housework, I’m not leaving my mother.”

    Catania’s mother, Linda, added that she would be devastated if her son moved out.

    “My son loves me,” she said. “All good Italian boys love their mothers. Vittorio is not going to insult the woman who gave birth to him by leaving me for no reason.”

    The study suggests popular support for the phenomenon among fathers in Italy, once mama’s boys themselves.

    “If my boy leaves the house and gets his own apartment, he will be all alone,” said Pasquale Otto, who resides in Rome under the same roof as his son Roberto, a 26-year-old engineer. “What if he’s watching TV and something funny happens on the show? He’ll have no one to laugh with.”

    The term is “mamoni.”

    Comment by Paul Mannino — December 4, 2008 @ 12:11 pm

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