Pardon me for my lack of timeliness in commenting on one of the most momentous days in the history of our country. For the past week or so I have been a bit under the weather. Like the majority of Americans, my immune system is weak which has led me to be diagnosed with Obamaitis.
One becomes vulnerable to contracting this disease when they consume large doses of hope. The human body is incapable of digesting this much sunshine causing the excess to flow violently out of both ends. This is only the beginning of the side effects of Obamaitis.
This disease throws your sense of balance so out of whack that you lean desperately to the left when you walk. Your vision also changes forcing you to get prescription sunglasses because you see everything in the light color of red – almost rose colored to be exact. Without any treatment, your mind is the next thing to go. You find yourself incapable of having a rational thought leaving you at risk to believing whatever CNN tells you.
This is where Obamaitis morphs and displays symptoms of other diseases. Whenever you see a picture of Barack on a television screen, newspaper, magazine or website you display signs of Alzheimer’s because you get lost in his eyes. For whatever reason you’ve also developed Obsessive Compulsive Disorder as you randomly organize everything in your closets into different communities like summer and winter clothing. Vocal tics, similar to Tourette’s Syndrome, occur during random parts of the day where you find yourself screaming “Change Is Here!”
Doctors hold mixed opinions on proper treatment. There are some who would lead you to believe there is absolutely no cure for Obamaitis. This belief originates from how diverse each strain of the disease has become. Other medical professionals say a conservative daily dose of Haterade will make all the symptoms disappear. The rush of electrolytes shocks the systems. Another approach traces the original cause of the disease back to an insufficient diet. They say having 3 fair and balanced meals each day will have you back on your feet in no time. The FDA is also reviewing preliminary tests that have shown a mixture of Alaskan Caribou Meat can also deter the effects of Obamaitis, but official results of the study will not be known until 2012.
Hopefully, this leaning slightly right of center, politically apathetic, registered independent has not lost all of his liberal readers in one fail swoop. Even though that would be quite the feat. My gentle ribbing of our New Commander in Chief, as well as our nation’s seemingly neurotic infatuation with him, is all done in the name of jealousy.
Over 2 million people braved the frigid cold to gather on the National Mall just to her his inauguration speech. They were not the only ones who tuned in to see what the most powerful man in the free world had to say. All eyes were on him. Being fully aware the magnitude this day held in the history books, Barack rose to the occasion and delivered a stirring speech that set the tone for his presidency. Even with freezing temperatures, Barack somehow remained cool, calm and collective. He waxed eloquently with his standard charm and winning smile.
Alright, I’ll say what you are thinking. Obama is the cat’s pajamas when speaking in front of a crowd. And because of the fact I literally ran out of my freshmen communication seminar in tears during my first speech I am green with envy. How can Barack not crack under the pressure with the entire world watching while I practically broke out in hives in a temperature-controlled room speaking to 20 disinterested students? He probably showed some wisdom by not heeding former president Bill Clinton’s suggestions to “picture the people naked – especially the ladies.”