Miscommunication issues in one’s relationship drive some to the bar to drink their sorrow away. Others drive around the block to calm down and clear their head. I, on the other hand, go a different route. It is one that usually finds me clearing out the candy aisle in the local grocery store. Over the past few days I have been eating Cracker Jacks like a fiend hoping at the bottom of the box will be a special prize. In order to enhance my chances, I have placed my milk issues on hold and wash out those caramel kernels stuck in my teeth with huge quantities of Ovaltine. Heck, I have been playing the Christmas Story on a loop just in case Ralphie’s presence will provide me extra luck.
Maybe we have been placing the wrong object around our fingers when we stand at the altar and pledge our love to one another. Platinum, titanium and white gold rings are nice, but can be a bit pricy. They also do not help one understand their significant other any better. Why waste thousands of dollars when a quarter can enable a husband to break through the “secret” language of his wife? Alas, decoder rings seem to be a thing of the past.
If I had a secret decoder ring in my possession, maybe I might actually comprehend the words coming out of Jenn’s mouth. It would help me read between the ‘female lines’ so to speak. Sometimes it is like she is speaking a completely different language, which makes sense due to her being an alien hailing from the planet Venus. I might be way off base, but I am starting to believe what Jenn says is not what she really means. No wonder I cannot understand her.
In order to help other married men avoid the “dog house,” I have begun to break the secret code. Here is what I have learned so far:
I’m Not Upset = You’re a big jerk. I cannot believe that you do not know the exact reason why I am fuming inside.
How Much Do You Love Me? = I want something that is going to break the bank or I did something that is going to completely set you off.
I’ll Be Ready In A Minute = I’ve still got to do my hair, put on my makeup and change my outfit at least 5 more times. I’ll be another 40 minutes at the earliest.
What Was That? Was It One Of The Girls? = Get your butt out of bed. I’m wrapped up in my cocoon of blankets all warm and snuggly.
I Wish We Had New Couches = I hate that our Wal-Mart budget does not match up with my Pottery Barn taste.
The Clothes Won’t Fold Themselves = How is it possible that you can sit next to a huge pile of laundry and not budge?
Maybe If You Play Your Cards Right I’ll Think About It = Your fate has already been decided. It is a no.
Do You Think _____________ (insert pop culture icon) Is Attractive? = I’m feeling extremely chubby today.
Are You Wearing That? = Do you get dressed in the dark? There is no way I am going to be seen with you in public wearing that outfit.
Are You Listening To Me? = It doesn’t matter what she really means because you have earned yourself a one-way ticket to the couch for the night.