Curing 30 Years One Month At A Time

May 2, 2009

Shake And Baking Things Up By Picking A Pair Of Step Brothers

93023B-r-r-r-i-n-g!!! Class is back in session. Physically I am here, but mentally I am absent. Exhausted from the domestic duties at home, I decide to take the day off by surprising all of my Issues and Regrets with a pop quiz. Honestly, there is no point to the exam other than it gives me an excuse to zone out in front of the laptop while giving the impression I am doing actual work.  

When I log on to Facebook I am bombarded with updates that include numerous wall posts as well as an abnormal amount of Issues and Regrets commenting on photos. I click one of the links and audible gasp at what pops up on the screen. Someone snuck into my house and snapped a few pictures of me cooking in the kitchen while wearing a frilly apron that had “Cupcake Princess” bedazzled on the front. To make matters worse, the photos just happened to be taken on laundry day so I can be seen only in ratty gym shorts and a pair of Jenn’s pink socks.

boy-who-drank1That’s it. Some Issue or Regret wants to mess with me after I have been cooking and cleaning non-stop for the past four days? They have no clue the war they just started. Time for payback and some cruel and unusual punishment. Until dismissal they’ll be watching Scott Baio’s greatest acting performance, the 1980’s after school special The Boy Who Drank Too Much, on a continuous loop.

Seeing it on par with the controversial technique of water boarding, the Obama administration has begun legal proceedings to have this film outlawed from ever being viewed again. No other flick has the capacity to break a person’s spirit quicker. Forget Charles, I am going to be back in charge of these Issues and Regrets in no time. Most of them are already squirming in their seats. Everyone is glaring at the two Issues currently occupying the back row of the classroom.


Body Image Issues: “Would you guys, please just fess up. You know what happens when I get stressed….I eat.” (Opens his desk drawer and pulls out a King Size Snickers bar)

Lack Of Manliness: “No teach don’t turn it off. I am taking notes from the ultimate ladies man, Mr. Scott Baio. How could he be 45 and single? It blows my mind that no lady could tame this beast.”

Impatience: “I can’t take this another minute. Please whoever posted the photo turn yourself in.” (Starts tapping his feet uncontrollably)

Indecisiveness: “I was going back and forth on whether to tattle tale, but if I have to see this guy’s mullet a minute longer I am going to poke my eyes out. It was Anger!” (Points to back row, puts his hand behind his back and then reconsiders and points his finger in that direction again)

step_brothers-posterAnger: “FINE! Yeah, it was ME! Do you know what it’s like to sit here month after month and be ignored? IT’S INFURIATING! Ever since last month I’ve been looking for ways to get your attention. At lunch I was talking to Cynical Side and he brought up a Dateline episode he saw on Internet bullying. This is what put the wheels in motion.”

Me: “Look I’ve had enough. Do you think it is easy being the center of attention for a month straight? Ask Indecisiveness, Lack Of Manliness and Socially Stunted. They’ll tell you it is not all sunshine and rainbows. But, since you have my full attention I am finally going to give you what you want, but with a little twist. Cynical Side since your Anger’s step brother you’ll be joining him.”

Anger (looking at Cynical Side): “WHAT? You better not close your eyes, because as soon as you do, I’m gonna punch you square in the face!”

Me: “Yeah, looks like I made the right decision after all.”


So, needless to say, the next month my focus is going to be:


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