Curing 30 Years One Month At A Time

June 15, 2009

Who Would Win In A Battle Between The ShamWow Guy and Billy Mays? Neither, My Kids Would Crush Them Both

Filed under: Dad Of The Year — Tags: , , , , , — 30tocure30 @ 12:30 am

shamwow-snuggie-slanketHere is some sound advice: don’t trust the words of a man who somehow gets arrested for punching a ‘lady of the evening’ in a swank hotel, especially if he is an infomercial pitchman. Vince Schlomi, better known as the ShamWow guy, was caught a few months ago with his pants down (literally). While dialing his late night room service, he probably wasn’t too concerned with the public relations fiasco he created. The magnitude of the mess was so great no shammy could possibly clean up regardless of how absorbent the man with the wireless mic claims it to be.

With all apologizes to Vince, there isn’t anything more absorbent than the mind of my children. The Brawny Man looks scrawny in comparison to their ability to soak things up. Now, Billy Mays before you put down your Zorbeez and start screaming at me, let me explain by sharing a story that happened just recently.

billy_oxycleanWhen the family drives around town, Maddie and Paige love to play DJ which normally means us rolling on dubs while blasting the Little Mermaid soundtrack, Sesame Street’s Greatest Hits or old school nursery rhymes from the speakers. Sadly only one of the six CD’s in the changer has tunes sung by actual humans and not cartoon sea characters or fuzzy puppets that live in the inner city.

Granted, the content of the CD is nothing I would brag to my friends about due to it being a random mix I created with workout music for my wife, Jenn. The only reason it is even in the player is to serve as a safety valve we switch to during the moments where we feel ourselves slowly going insane from listening to The Count number random items for the 234th time…make that 235.

This is why we were caught off guard the other day when Maddie pleaded for us to play a tune we hadn’t heard of. She referred to it as the “Holly Bector” song. Puzzled at exactly what she was requesting, we began asking her questions trying to solve this mystery. From our interrogation, Jenn and I were able to conclude that either a man or a woman who may or may not be in a band sang it. As far as the rhythm goes you can clap to it because it is fast song or so she said. And for whatever reason, the song included fruit, specifically bananas.

Tired of our quizzing, Mads started to get restless and upset. The tune, which she was dancing to in her mind, was escaping our thoughts. She looked at us in pity because we were so unhip and didn’t know the “Holly Bector” song. We had shuffled through all of the CD’s except for the gym mix, which was up next. From the cheering now coming from the back row, it appeared we were finally in luck.

Gwen_Stefani_Cool-concert-tourYou’ll never guess what tune our toddler wanted to hear. Her pleading was for none other than Gwen Stefani’s “Hollaback Girl” – a song she has heard maybe 5 times total. This is proof positive that kids posses an uncanny ability to soak up all that is around them. They watch, study and take in everything you do. Sometimes knowing you have your own personal voice recorder is amusing. Take for instance, the time I taught my daughter to say “Uh-Oh Hot Dog!” when she gets surprised.

However, their absorbent capabilities also have an ugly side. These are the moments when you see how your little ones mimic your own mannerisms and tone of voice. Or even better, having your daughter call you out on your behavior by recalling something you said or did months ago. The previous exchange you thought little of, but to your child it was a defining moment for them. This is scary when you realize that once a thought or experience gets sucked up in their brain vacuum it is near to impossible to get that little bugger unstuck. I guess the saying is true that kids are like sponges, which means as a parent we have to be careful about the things we let them absorb. Now, that’s just bananas…B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

June 6, 2009

Are The Rumors True: Did The Step Brothers Break His Spirit?

Filed under: Dad Of The Year — Tags: , , , , — 30tocure30 @ 2:52 pm

The note on the door caught all of the Issues off guard. At first, they thought nothing of the substitute teacher that replaced Tony one afternoon. Probably a stomach bug, or something like that, they figured. But, when he was absent the next afternoon and the days that followed some of the Hang-Ups begin to wonder what was wrong with him, especially Worry and Neurotic. 

zoolanderThe rumors of Tony’s whereabouts became more elaborate the longer he remained M.I.A. Socially Stunted said he knew Tony had a weakness for bacon (he remembered how Tony would refer to it as Meat Candy). This caused the other Issues to deduct that the sheer amount of bacon he consumed caused Tony to contract a severe case of Swine Flu. Poor Self Image said Tony had to take a week long sabbatical to mourn Ben Stiller’s acting career after watching the family comedy A Night At The Museum 2. In hopes that Ben would come to his senses and go back to his roots, Tony was dressing in all black and watching Zoolander and There’s Something About Mary on a continuous loop. 

Another Issue said she heard of a guy racing up and down the hallways at New Hanover Regional Medical Center muttered “this is the happiest place on earth….this is the happiest place on earth.” She reasoned this mad man probably was Tony after numerous doctor visits and hospital stays caused his tax refund that was once earmarked for Mickey Ears to disappear in thin air. 

Socially Stunted mustered up all his strength and shouted out: “THEY BROKE HIM!!! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT…THEY ACTUALLY DID IT! ANGER AND CYNICAL CRUSHED HIS SPIRIT!!!”

Lack of Manlines cut him off: “That’s what I thought so too. But, if you wouldn’t sit off on the sidelines you’d be able to read the note and realize that isn’t the case. Here’s what it says…”


Knowing how your mind works…well, because you are stuck in mine, I know what you’re thinking. No, the Bash Brothers of Anger & Cynical did not put me over the edge. Actually, realizing that the majority of the times I flew off the handle or seemed a little jaded was primarily due to unrealistic expectations and pure selfishness has helped to put those guys in their place. 

The reason for my absent is just life. Sometime it gets in the way and you find yourself just trying a moment where you can just breathe and collect your thoughts. Realizing I have yet to perfect the art of an ideal work/life balance, I turned the laptop off for an extended period to spend time with the girls that matter the most: Jenn, Maddie and Paige. Words are incapable of describing the joy that I felt while hanging out with them. Yet, in the midst of it all, I saw that there is much I need to work on to be the type of father my rugrats need. So, get ready for me to back in the office tomorrow and for the next month focusing on:thumbnail.aspx


p.s. Stop it cynical.. My decision had nothing to do with positioning for a bigger present for a certain holiday pertaining to males who have kids that just happens to fall in June. 

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