Curing 30 Years One Month At A Time

June 15, 2009

Who Would Win In A Battle Between The ShamWow Guy and Billy Mays? Neither, My Kids Would Crush Them Both

Filed under: Dad Of The Year — Tags: , , , , , — 30tocure30 @ 12:30 am

shamwow-snuggie-slanketHere is some sound advice: don’t trust the words of a man who somehow gets arrested for punching a ‘lady of the evening’ in a swank hotel, especially if he is an infomercial pitchman. Vince Schlomi, better known as the ShamWow guy, was caught a few months ago with his pants down (literally). While dialing his late night room service, he probably wasn’t too concerned with the public relations fiasco he created. The magnitude of the mess was so great no shammy could possibly clean up regardless of how absorbent the man with the wireless mic claims it to be.

With all apologizes to Vince, there isn’t anything more absorbent than the mind of my children. The Brawny Man looks scrawny in comparison to their ability to soak things up. Now, Billy Mays before you put down your Zorbeez and start screaming at me, let me explain by sharing a story that happened just recently.

billy_oxycleanWhen the family drives around town, Maddie and Paige love to play DJ which normally means us rolling on dubs while blasting the Little Mermaid soundtrack, Sesame Street’s Greatest Hits or old school nursery rhymes from the speakers. Sadly only one of the six CD’s in the changer has tunes sung by actual humans and not cartoon sea characters or fuzzy puppets that live in the inner city.

Granted, the content of the CD is nothing I would brag to my friends about due to it being a random mix I created with workout music for my wife, Jenn. The only reason it is even in the player is to serve as a safety valve we switch to during the moments where we feel ourselves slowly going insane from listening to The Count number random items for the 234th time…make that 235.

This is why we were caught off guard the other day when Maddie pleaded for us to play a tune we hadn’t heard of. She referred to it as the “Holly Bector” song. Puzzled at exactly what she was requesting, we began asking her questions trying to solve this mystery. From our interrogation, Jenn and I were able to conclude that either a man or a woman who may or may not be in a band sang it. As far as the rhythm goes you can clap to it because it is fast song or so she said. And for whatever reason, the song included fruit, specifically bananas.

Tired of our quizzing, Mads started to get restless and upset. The tune, which she was dancing to in her mind, was escaping our thoughts. She looked at us in pity because we were so unhip and didn’t know the “Holly Bector” song. We had shuffled through all of the CD’s except for the gym mix, which was up next. From the cheering now coming from the back row, it appeared we were finally in luck.

Gwen_Stefani_Cool-concert-tourYou’ll never guess what tune our toddler wanted to hear. Her pleading was for none other than Gwen Stefani’s “Hollaback Girl” – a song she has heard maybe 5 times total. This is proof positive that kids posses an uncanny ability to soak up all that is around them. They watch, study and take in everything you do. Sometimes knowing you have your own personal voice recorder is amusing. Take for instance, the time I taught my daughter to say “Uh-Oh Hot Dog!” when she gets surprised.

However, their absorbent capabilities also have an ugly side. These are the moments when you see how your little ones mimic your own mannerisms and tone of voice. Or even better, having your daughter call you out on your behavior by recalling something you said or did months ago. The previous exchange you thought little of, but to your child it was a defining moment for them. This is scary when you realize that once a thought or experience gets sucked up in their brain vacuum it is near to impossible to get that little bugger unstuck. I guess the saying is true that kids are like sponges, which means as a parent we have to be careful about the things we let them absorb. Now, that’s just bananas…B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

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