No wonder those domesticated ladies go all ‘diva’ on you. Frankly, I can’t blame them for their attitude. I’m only a few days into my month long journey of breaking my cluelessness around the house and taking steps towards becoming a domesticated dude, yet I already find myself agreeing more with Oprah and becoming a man hater.
The thing is being domesticated really cuts into your “me” time and as a man I love myself some “me” time. You have no opportunity to unwind as there is always chores to be completed, something demanding your attention or errands you must run.
Take for instance tonight. After a long day of work, all I want to do is zone in front of the television and watch Heroes. However, a pile of dirty dishes beckons. They’ve been ignored for far too long which makes me dread this undertaking even more (on a side note, Jenn would like the world to know she cleans the dishes promptly, but in the spirit of my growth has passed on this responsibility for April).
Due to my neglect, food remnants are now plastered on every plate, bowl or utensil. Rather than a sponge, I need an industrial sander in order to separate the leftovers from the dishes. This is an undertaking not fit for mere mortals like myself. Superhuman strength is required.
As I grab the first plate covered with what I believe (and hope) is spaghetti sauce, I begin to wish I were Peter Petrelli, Sylar, Micah Sanders or any other Heroes character. I take that back, no self respecting Heroes fan would ever dream of being Mohinder Suresh unless it was to take over his body in order to commit suicide so his horrible storyline can finally be ended.
Imagine the limitless possibilities having their abilities would open up when it comes to cleaning the dishes:
Hiro Nakamura – Teleportation could come in real handy. I could time travel from a currently dirty kitchen back in time a few hours in order to suggest going out to eat rather than cooking at home. On the flip side, jumping into the future would greatly increase the chances that Jenn would reach the “Tony is such a slacker” level and finally give in to doing the dishes herself. I close my eyelids shut and scrunch up my face like I’m constipated in hopes of stopping time. Nothing happens except for a little toot that sneaks out. If I was able to freeze time, the dishes could mysteriously ‘disappear’ by me throwing them in the trash with nobody being any the wiser.
Nathan Petrelli – I could either charm Jenn with my ravishingly good looks or use my flying ability to avoid the chaos in the kitchen. If this fails then I would leverage my governmental influence to pass a bill in Congress that mandates kitchen chores be considered illegal from this day forward.
Micah Sanders – Ah, to be a little prodigy who can fix things. Knowing how to communicate with machines, the dishwasher would now not only clean the plates, but clear them from the table, perform a pre rinse in the sink and wipe down the kitchen counters afterwards.
Claire Bennet – You have to be careful when you turn on the hot water because you could get seriously burned. Now I don’t have to worry about cranking up the heat because my rapid regeneration would mean my burnt skin would heal and I would be back to my old self in no time.
The Haitian – Friends who come over and criticize the smell emanating from the kitchen would be dealt with very easily by erasing their visit to Ripa household completely from their memories.
Molly Walker – If Jenn ‘suggests’ the dishes need to get done before she gets back from the grocery store; I could use Molly’s GPS locating ability to track Jenn’s progress. Knowing where Jenn is at all times would give me the opportunity to play the Wii, check Facebook and update Twitter. Sensing Jenn is right around the corner, I would jump into gear at the last possible moment and finally get down to business.
Matt Parkman – As a husband you know almost instinctively when you’ve dropped the ball. You don’t need the ability to read your wife’s minds to realize she is fuming on the inside about the stack of plates piled up on the counter. However, men have yet to perfect the power of mental manipulation in order to twist their spouse’s thought so she feels the sudden urge to tidy up around the house.
Sadly, I am just a pitiful mortal with no special abilities unless you count my superhuman procrastination skills. Speaking of that, the dishes are not cleaning themselves. Yatta!