Curing 30 Years One Month At A Time

April 6, 2009

Can Any Of You Heroes Help Me With The Dishes…Sylar, Claire, Hiro…Anyone?

Filed under: domesticated — Tags: , , , , , , — 30tocure30 @ 9:45 pm


Can Any Of Your Heroes Help Me With The Dishes.. Sylar, Claire, Hiro...Anyone?

Can Any Of You Heroes Help Me With The Dishes.. Sylar, Claire, Hiro...Anyone?

No wonder those domesticated ladies go all ‘diva’ on you. Frankly, I can’t blame them for their attitude. I’m only a few days into my month long journey of breaking my cluelessness around the house and taking steps towards becoming a domesticated dude, yet I already find myself agreeing more with Oprah and becoming a man hater.

The thing is being domesticated really cuts into your “me” time and as a man I love myself some “me” time. You have no opportunity to unwind as there is always chores to be completed, something demanding your attention or errands you must run.

Take for instance tonight. After a long day of work, all I want to do is zone in front of the television and watch Heroes. However, a pile of dirty dishes beckons. They’ve been ignored for far too long which makes me dread this undertaking even more (on a side note, Jenn would like the world to know she cleans the dishes promptly, but in the spirit of my growth has passed on this responsibility for April).

Due to my neglect, food remnants are now plastered on every plate, bowl or utensil. Rather than a sponge, I need an industrial sander in order to separate the leftovers from the dishes. This is an undertaking not fit for mere mortals like myself. Superhuman strength is required.

As I grab the first plate covered with what I believe (and hope) is spaghetti sauce, I begin to wish I were Peter Petrelli, Sylar, Micah Sanders or any other Heroes character. I take that back, no self respecting Heroes fan would ever dream of being Mohinder Suresh unless it was to take over his body in order to commit suicide so his horrible storyline can finally be ended.

Imagine the limitless possibilities having their abilities would open up when it comes to cleaning the dishes:






Hiro Nakamura – Teleportation could come in real handy. I could time travel from a currently dirty kitchen back in time a few hours in order to suggest going out to eat rather than cooking at home. On the flip side, jumping into the future would greatly increase the chances that Jenn would reach the “Tony is such a slacker” level and finally give in to doing the dishes herself. I close my eyelids shut and scrunch up my face like I’m constipated in hopes of stopping time. Nothing happens except for a little toot that sneaks out. If I was able to freeze time, the dishes could mysteriously ‘disappear’ by me throwing them in the trash with nobody being any the wiser.








Nathan Petrelli – I could either charm Jenn with my ravishingly good looks or use my flying ability to avoid the chaos in the kitchen. If this fails then I would leverage my governmental influence to pass a bill in Congress that mandates kitchen chores be considered illegal from this day forward.









Micah Sanders – Ah, to be a little prodigy who can fix things. Knowing how to communicate with machines, the dishwasher would now not only clean the plates, but clear them from the table, perform a pre rinse in the sink and wipe down the kitchen counters afterwards.










Claire Bennet – You have to be careful when you turn on the hot water because you could get seriously burned. Now I don’t have to worry about cranking up the heat because my rapid regeneration would mean my burnt skin would heal and I would be back to my old self in no time. 




The Haitian

The Haitian




The Haitian – Friends who come over and criticize the smell emanating from the kitchen would be dealt with very easily by erasing their visit to Ripa household completely from their memories.










Molly Walker – If Jenn ‘suggests’ the dishes need to get done before she gets back from the grocery store; I could use Molly’s GPS locating ability to track Jenn’s progress. Knowing where Jenn is at all times would give me the opportunity to play the Wii, check Facebook and update Twitter. Sensing Jenn is right around the corner, I would jump into gear at the last possible moment and finally get down to business.










Matt Parkman – As a husband you know almost instinctively when you’ve dropped the ball. You don’t need the ability to read your wife’s minds to realize she is fuming on the inside about the stack of plates piled up on the counter. However, men have yet to perfect the power of mental manipulation in order to twist their spouse’s thought so she feels the sudden urge to tidy up around the house.



Sadly, I am just a pitiful mortal with no special abilities unless you count my superhuman procrastination skills. Speaking of that, the dishes are not cleaning themselves. Yatta!

April 2, 2009

The Mismatched Socks Have Spoken: Time To Turn This Domestic Dud Into A Domestic Dude

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , — 30tocure30 @ 10:38 pm


Most Men Fear The Iron...

Most Men Fear The Iron...

Running frantically down the hallway I bump into a few of my issues and regrets that are making a B-Line to the exit doors. I know I am a little late, but why are they out of the classroom? Trying to figure out the exact time, I reach into my pants pocket for my cell phone, but it is nowhere to be found.

Then it hits me; in my rush to get out the door this morning I forgot to grab them from my other pair of slacks along with my wallet. I guess lunch will consist of me feasting on leftover ketchup and mustard packets from the teacher’s lounge.

Entering the classroom I realize that I’m twenty minutes late and few of the issues decided to stick around to see if I would actually show. Before I can even start today’s lesson, the regrets that are sitting in their seats begin to chuckle. Cynical side raises his hand while attempting to hold back laughter.


Cynical Side: “I am sorry teach, but I have to ask: what is going on? Did you dress yourself in the dark? You look like a hot mess.”

Me: “Sorry, I slept through the alarm clock. Jenn and the girls went to visit her folks out west and I’ve been bacheloring it up for the past week. I think I am doing okay.”

Cynical Side: “Yes, if by okay you mean wearing a wrinkled shirt with an imprint of an iron on it, mismatched socks and jeans where you can play connect the dots with the stains then yes you are doing an amazing job. Let me guess…you are wearing used boxers.”

Me: “In my book if you flip them inside out, they’re brand new.”

Cynical Side: “I feel for you teach. It must be hard to find time to clean clothes and do other chores while you sit on the couch watching reruns of Scrubs as you eat McDonald’s for the 4th night in a row.”

Me: “Wait a second, I actually made myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich one night and I whipped up something this morning: Pop Tarts. I like to call it the breakfast of champions. And as far as the laundry goes I still haven’t figured out if the washing machine has the door on the side or on top. It is very confusing if you ask me.”

Cynical Side: “That’s a Pop Tart? Wow, I thought it was…. well I wasn’t really sure. I just know it smells like burnt tires. Look, all of the issues and regrets eventually want our time in the spotlight, but some things are bigger than us. You know what you need to focus on this month.”

Me: “I think you’re right.”


So, I guess it appears that for the next month it is going to be:

30 Days To Go From Domestic Dud To Domestic Dude


Breakdown Of Reader’s Vote (66 Total Votes)

Domestic Dud To Domestic Dude (22)

Obsession With The Scale (18)

Cynical Side (14)

Anger (10)

Other/Reader’s Choice (2)

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