Curing 30 Years One Month At A Time

June 6, 2009

Are The Rumors True: Did The Step Brothers Break His Spirit?

Filed under: Dad Of The Year — Tags: , , , , — 30tocure30 @ 2:52 pm

The note on the door caught all of the Issues off guard. At first, they thought nothing of the substitute teacher that replaced Tony one afternoon. Probably a stomach bug, or something like that, they figured. But, when he was absent the next afternoon and the days that followed some of the Hang-Ups begin to wonder what was wrong with him, especially Worry and Neurotic. 

zoolanderThe rumors of Tony’s whereabouts became more elaborate the longer he remained M.I.A. Socially Stunted said he knew Tony had a weakness for bacon (he remembered how Tony would refer to it as Meat Candy). This caused the other Issues to deduct that the sheer amount of bacon he consumed caused Tony to contract a severe case of Swine Flu. Poor Self Image said Tony had to take a week long sabbatical to mourn Ben Stiller’s acting career after watching the family comedy A Night At The Museum 2. In hopes that Ben would come to his senses and go back to his roots, Tony was dressing in all black and watching Zoolander and There’s Something About Mary on a continuous loop. 

Another Issue said she heard of a guy racing up and down the hallways at New Hanover Regional Medical Center muttered “this is the happiest place on earth….this is the happiest place on earth.” She reasoned this mad man probably was Tony after numerous doctor visits and hospital stays caused his tax refund that was once earmarked for Mickey Ears to disappear in thin air. 

Socially Stunted mustered up all his strength and shouted out: “THEY BROKE HIM!!! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT…THEY ACTUALLY DID IT! ANGER AND CYNICAL CRUSHED HIS SPIRIT!!!”

Lack of Manlines cut him off: “That’s what I thought so too. But, if you wouldn’t sit off on the sidelines you’d be able to read the note and realize that isn’t the case. Here’s what it says…”


Knowing how your mind works…well, because you are stuck in mine, I know what you’re thinking. No, the Bash Brothers of Anger & Cynical did not put me over the edge. Actually, realizing that the majority of the times I flew off the handle or seemed a little jaded was primarily due to unrealistic expectations and pure selfishness has helped to put those guys in their place. 

The reason for my absent is just life. Sometime it gets in the way and you find yourself just trying a moment where you can just breathe and collect your thoughts. Realizing I have yet to perfect the art of an ideal work/life balance, I turned the laptop off for an extended period to spend time with the girls that matter the most: Jenn, Maddie and Paige. Words are incapable of describing the joy that I felt while hanging out with them. Yet, in the midst of it all, I saw that there is much I need to work on to be the type of father my rugrats need. So, get ready for me to back in the office tomorrow and for the next month focusing on:thumbnail.aspx


p.s. Stop it cynical.. My decision had nothing to do with positioning for a bigger present for a certain holiday pertaining to males who have kids that just happens to fall in June. 

May 18, 2009

Dr. Buddy Rydell Answer Me This: How Does One Not Go Insane Passing Time In A Hospital Room?

Your entertainment options are fairly limited when you find yourself passing time in a hospital room taking care of a loved one. After getting over the initial shock of not having the little rugrats crawling all over you while repeatedly asking “why” and “what’s that,” you begin to catch up on what your wife has been doing for the past 4 ½ years that doesn’t involve spit up, diapers or Dora The Explorer. Alas, the gabfest ends prematurely once her new best friend morphine crashes the party and sends Jenn to her happy place.

bedpan_optCreativity is a must when trying to figure out ways to keep yourself entertained. Flying solo drastically reduces your potential fun. Playing “Guess The Infectious Disease” or “Name That Cough” is not nearly as amusing when no one else chuckles along with you. Rubbing hand sanitizer all over your nose and running up and down the hallways screaming “I Think I Have Swine Flu” will only get you tasered by security guards or the elderly candy striper in a wheelchair. Nix the bedpan foot race idea. Ditto on the seeing how many bites of hospital food you can keep down before your gag reflux kicks in.

When I caught myself reading a Cottage Living magazine a friend dropped off for Jenn, I knew I was teetering on the edge of complete and utter boredom. Then I realized this hospital room had an enticing feature my humble abode did not: extended cable. Endless hours of mind numbing fun were at my fingertips. With over eighty channels, there had to be something, anything, to keep my attention, right? Apparently not.

real_housewives_of_new_york_cityThe more I clicked the remote the angrier I found myself getting. How is it that with all of these new possibilities of entertainment I end up watching the train wreck that is the Real Housewives of New York reunion for the 5th or 6th time? As fun as watching those old birds squawk at each other is, I figured getting some sleep would be a bit more productive. I decide to give extended cable a final shot of redeeming itself by allowing it one more cycle to grab my attention. 

Down to my last few channels, I stumble across Adam Sandler’s cinematic masterpiece, Anger Management.  With this month’s focus centered on curing my temper, I figure sleep can wait considering I could seek some wisdom from the expert on the subject of rage, Dr. Buddy Rydell. Taking out a notebook, here are some nuggets I gleamed from Buddy:


anger_management_verdvdTIP #1 – You have to put your pride aside and retard your anger level a few notches and listen to those around you.

TIP #2 – Sarcasm is the second cousin of anger while flirting is the second cousin of cheating.

TIP #3 – There are two types of anger: explosive and implosive. Explosive is the type of individual you see screaming at the cashier for not taking his coupon. Implosive is the cashier who remains quiet day after day and then finally shoots everyone in the store. Do everything in your power to make sure you’re not the cashier.

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