Curing 30 Years One Month At A Time

January 27, 2009

If I Fill Out 25 Random Things About Me And Forward It To 25 Of My Friends, Will You Finally Let My Children Go Free?

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , , — 30tocure30 @ 9:43 pm


Look a forwarded email...CLICK DELETE!

Look a forwarded email...CLICK DELETE!

Every one of us has a friend who clutters up our inbox with forwarded emails. You know the type of person I am talking about. She gets absolutely giddy over photos with kitty cats dressed in funny costumes, prayers about angelic cherubs, jokes making fun of lawyers or those challenging quizzes where you can calculate your age by the amount of chocolate you eat. They want to make sure that you are aware that Tupac is live and well, Applebee’s is all of a sudden paying you to eat at their place and that US government secretly tracks homeless people by implanting a GPS chip in them.

Some forwarded emails promise fortune and fame if you pass the email along to everyone in your address book. But, they normally come with a time stipulation. If you fail to perform this act in less than the 10 minutes you can forget about a little leprechaun showing up at your door and giving you a fat sack of money. Others can be downright threatening as if the failure to forward an on-line petition means someone is going to kidnap your kids and hold them ransom until you get the word out about parents receiving a $500 savings bond from Gerber as part of a lawsuit settlement.

One forward that is currently making its’ rounds through my Facebook Friends is “25 Random Things About Me” where the point is…wait, why am I explaining the purpose. If you cannot figure out the point of the email from the title you are pretty much a lost cause. A wealth of information has been gleamed from their posts: a female friend who often goes commando, one who dreams of being on Broadway, a secret love for Oprah and another not getting their licenses until turning 18. Other pieces they cared to share were eye opening like dealing with deaths of loved ones, struggling with insecurities and resentment over dreams lost. These are things that caught me completely off guard.

I wonder what is about this forwarded email that encourages people to open up and share without fear. Over this past month I have to become even more convinced that even the most seemingly open person is completely guarded. All of us are experts at image management. We could win the World Series of Poker thanks to our Poker Face that hides weakness and the aces of hurt, struggles, pain and bad habits we hold up our sleeve. Vulnerability opens up people to acceptance just as much as it does ridicule and rejection. To be known for whom we really are is something we desperately desire; yet fear at the same time.

I have yet to be tagged by anyone. I do not know if that makes me a lucky dog or a lost puppy no one cares to get to know. Maybe my friends feel like I am an open book due to this blog. Through these pages I have shared a variety of random things that make up me like my man crush on Zach Braff, love for body pillows, addiction to reality television, fear of elevators and how I learned to drive in a cemetery. Wanting to be part of the crowd and not left out I tagged myself and came up with my list of 25 Random Things About Me.

1. The fact that I actually had to tag myself to complete this list reveals a lot. I am still the college kid hanging out in his room on a Friday night waiting for the phone to ring to be invited out to a party or just to hang out. I have never felt like I’ve been part of the “in” crowd.

2. I have milk issues. It is of utter importance that I know how many days have transpired since the seal was broken on the milk. If it is more than a day old, there is absolutely no chance my charms will get lucky by having milk poured on them.

3. During the fall and winter months, a happy or utterly miserable Sunday depends if I am winning my fantasy football game for the week. If I score over 100 points and still lose, stay out of my path. You have been put on notice.

4. Believe it or not, but this socially awkward man who authors this blog was actually voted Biggest Flirt for the Frederick High Class of 1996. Shocking I know, but 100% true nonetheless. Honest to blog.

5. I got arrested in high school for having a pager on school property because at the time in Maryland it was consider “drug paraphernalia.” I spoke in front of the state Senate and got the law changed. For you youngins, pagers were what people relied on for communication back in the day. Contrary to popular belief, toddlers at one time were not expected to have a blackberry and be an expert at texting.

6.  To give you a glimpse of my childhood I guess you should know that instead of playing with G.I. Joe’s as a kid, I played Naked Barbie’s. At the young age of 7, I already figured out why hang out with the troops when you chill with the ladies.

7.  The first time I began to question if God could fill this emptiness I felt inside was at 3 in morning at an all night bowl-a-thon in high school. I forged my mom’s signature on the permission slip just to attend. A friend shared her ‘story’ and a short time later I gave up control and allowed God to pen the rest of the pages that fill up my story.

8. I hate to lose and am extremely competitive. A laundry list of stuff has fallen victim to my lust to win like the golf putter I wrapped around a tree after a ball cupped out on the 18th green at mini-golf costing me bragging rights. I am not a gracious winner or loser. Many walks to the cafeteria in college were spent in steaming silence after a defeat to my roomy Adam “Big Bear” Kifer in NHL94 on the Sega Genesis. I also never learned that you never poke a sleeping Big Bear with a stick by doing the Dirty Bird dance and asking, “who’s your daddy?” after a blowout in Madden.

9. I once peed my pants in 8th grade because I did not know how to say, “can I go to the bathroom?” in German and our teacher was so strict she would have made members of the Third Reich nervous.

10.  The jury is still out about the songs that can be found on my iPod: eclectic, bizarre or completely random. The results of a quick 15 song shuffle: My Moon My Man (Feist), Bust A Move (Young MC), I Will Follow You Into The Dark (Death Cab for Cutie) Young at Heart (Frank Sinatra), Root Down (Beastie Boys), No One Gonna Love You (Band of Horses), Country Road (James Taylor), We’re All On Drugs (Weezer), Losing Lisa (Ben Folds), Bicycle Race (Queen), This Bitter Pill (Dashboard Confessional), Lean Back (Fat Joe), Geek in the Pink (Jason Mraz), The Pan Piper (Miles Davis) and Praise You (Fatboy Slim).  Jenn says that I am a closet hippie who has relationship issues based upon my musical taste.

11. I feel I am the most uninteresting person on the face of this earth. In some weird way this drives my shyness as I wonder what I could possibly add to any conversation that I happen to stumble upon. To further prove this point, I am not even half way through my list and am already paranoid that the majority of my readers have already checked out of this conversation.

12. Jenn has to order my drink at Starbucks because I still do not understand the coffee lingo. My primitive caveman like mind is incapable of understanding how a “tall” is the equivalent of a small. I am pretty sure that would be a wrong answer on a SAT question.

13. Just like every kid my age I wanted ‘to be like Mike’ growing up. Unfortunately, a white boy who is 5’7” at best has absolutely no hops and absolutely no shot at making it in the NBA or the West Frederick Middle School 7th grade basketball team for that matter.

14. I have to really love you if I come visit you at the hospital. I realize the majority of people who go to there sick eventually walk out the doors healthy, but my concern comes from the ones who do not.  Even as a Christian, there is a part of me that still fears death and what lies beyond. What if we are wrong? After all, we are working on 50-50 odds, aren’t we? It’s either heaven or end of scene, fade to black.

15. As much as I try to be an open book, complete honesty wrecks me. When reflecting on my issues gets too personal my default is to break the intensity by cracking a joke or using humor.  Hence…

16.  I had frequent nightmares about the Door-to-Door Salesman on Pee Wee’s Playhouse when I was younger.

17. Having lost over 80 pounds or a small middle school age child over the past few years, I hold an unhealthy obsession with my weight and cannot help but step on a scale whenever I see one. I’m like the wrestler trying desperately to make weight. If it gives me a number I do not like I contort my body over and over again until it registers the digits I want. Yet, it never does. One of the things I worry about the most is packing on the poundage again because, if I am being honest, much of the little confidence I actually possess comes from my appearance.

18. Very rarely do I ever wear socks. But, if I do it is guaranteed that they will not match. I have set a streaming webcam to catch the Sock Gnomes who sneak into my dryer and steal one sock at time

19.  I have always dreamed of being a contestant on the reality television show, Big Brother. A few times I have filled the entire application out and addressed the envelope, but in the end always chickened out.

20. The first CD I ever owned was “Ice, Ice Baby” from Vanilla Ice. I won it by calling in to a radio station contest. The problem was our family did not own a CD player. As pathetic as this sounds now, we purchased a player so we could stop, collaborate and listen to Mr. Rob Van Winkle. The only way it could have been worse is if we were blaming on the rain with Milli Vanilli. 

21. I came into my first full-time ministry position as a bright eyed, idealistic youth pastor ready to conquer the world and left 3 years later with my tail between my legs, confused, bitter and questioning my faith.

22.  Every time I go to a certain steakhouse it is a guarantee that later in the evening I will get a ‘bad case of the Outback’s.’ Still, an Outback Special with Aussie Cheese Fries would be my Dead Man Walking meal. I would finally be able to enjoy it because by the time my gas kicks in the other gas will be knocking me out for good.

23. There are moments when I feel like a complete and utter failure as a father and husband. And other times when I feel I might finally be getting my footing when it comes to leading my family.

24. I have a hard time saying no. It doesn’t matter that taking someone else’s load will make me a completely stress ball.  My desire to want to feel needed and appreciated always wins out.

25. My life will be complete when a book I’ve written sits on the shame same shelf with the likes of Donald Miller, Anne Lamott, Mark Steele, Rob Bell and Jim Palmer.

So that’s me in a nutshell: the good, the bad, the ugly and the completely random. It is free to take a few hidden aces up my sleeve and laying those cards out on the table for all to see. 

January 22, 2009

Lumpy, Jenn & The Harlot: My Security Blankets

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , — 30tocure30 @ 11:23 pm


Where Is My Blankie?

Where Is My Blankie?

Getting the girls ready for bed can be compared to a delicate dance routine. When we hit each step on beat it is a graceful thing to watch like the waltz. Yet, if we miss just one mark the rumba turns into a bloody rumble. It’s similar to a train wreck or Warren Sapp performing the cha-cha on Dancing with the Stars (they are one in the same), as horrible as it may be you cannot direct your gaze in another direction.

The other night it appeared as if Jenn and I were going to receive perfect scores from judges Len Goodman, Carrie Ann Inaba and Bruno Tonioli. The rhythm was there: bath, pajamas, milk, Blue’s Clues, teeth, story time, songs and prayers. While we were about to hit the ending by clicking the gate closed and move into our jazz hands celebration, shrieks of horror rang out from the bedroom. Rewinding the routine back in my head, I realized a misstep had occurred.

We had tucked Madison away for the night without her beloved Pink Blankie. Our oldest made it abundantly clear to everyone in our neighborhood that our lack of wisdom was an affront to God. How dare we forget to make sure her long laundry list of dolls, books and blankets were not all spoken for and wedged all around her. Maddie is incapable of sleeping without everything being in its’ place. They provide her a sense of comfort and support.

No matter how old we get we all are still children inside. We need something to cling on to get us through our days on this spinning globe. They may not be pink pieces of cloth with a silk border covered in slobber or a stuffed monkey in a dress. But, do not be fooled. Each one of us has our security blankets. The thing is we’ve become experts at concealing them so they are hard to detect with the naked eye.

There are three ladies in my life and they all make me feel secure when I know they are around: Lumpy, Jenn and The Harlot. Lumpy is my body pillow who I spoon through the night except for the agonizing stretches when Jenn is pregnant. Being married allows me to pass off Lumpy when I check into a hotel room on vacation and get weird looks from the guy behind the concierge’s desk.  

One of the reasons I love Jenn is for the fact she was wise to my affinity for body pillows pre-engagement, but still decided to marry me anyway. This is a sign of a good woman. Without her by my side, I am lost and incomplete in so many ways. Jenn is the ying to my yang. She is the social butterfly to my inept conversations. She cares for people so deeply while often times I am a selfish dirt bag. This probably will come across wrong, but I don’t have to speak a word if we go to a social event because Jenn does all the talking for me and I would have it no other way.

First Lumpy created a divide in our marriage bed – literally. Having come to grips with the Great Wall of China, Jenn had to watch as I welcomed The Harlot into our relationship. With envy in her voice, ‘The Harlot’ is the name Jenn gave to my beloved Macbook. She knows if I would leave her for anyone, it would be this sleek white laptop that with my North Face vest, Buddy Holly glasses and facial hair complete the artistic trendy poser look I have tried to achieve for so long.

Yet, The Harlot is my security blanket for more than my image issues. I wonder if I pursued a career in writing because my words remain upfront while I stay behind the scenes. A shy guy like myself relishes the ghostwriter role. The laptop allows me to be the man in charge of every conversation. In this dialogue of one, I feel powerful and free. Trying to get my thoughts down on paper comes with ease while expressing the same feelings verbally is down right painful. With that said, the vulnerability of making my thoughts public in a blog terrifies me as well. Because if a reader rejects my writing then what I am left with? How will I make it through my days on this spinning globe? I guess it will involve draping my leg over every faithful Lumpy and crying myself to sleep at night. 

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