Curing 30 Years One Month At A Time

April 14, 2009

Reading The Holy Books Of Martha Stewart Living Will Guide Me To Domesticated Enlightenment

Filed under: domesticated — Tags: , , , , , , — 30tocure30 @ 12:01 am

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Do you remember back in the day during the ‘lovie dovie’ dating stage of your relationship when the random habits of your significant other were cute and endearing? Fast forward to present day where those same quirks now get on your last nerve. Every time your spouse does them it is like nails on a chalkboard, the emergency broadcast test popping up on the television or having to endure a Celine Dion concert.

Many would except this is the time where I would go into an extended rant on Jenn’s special quirks. Yet, I’ve learned a thing or two and realize to do so would be sealing my fate for a one-way ticket to the couch for the evening. Instead, here are a few of my nasty habits that bother Jenn to no end: (1) leaving the toilet seat up (2) putting my razor in the toothbrush holder  (3) waking up last, but not making the bed (4) listening to sports talk radio while in the car (5) my tendency to mispronounce words like frustrated and umbilical chord (6) taking my shoes off wherever I want.

This last habit creates issues when either Jenn trips over my shoes in the middle of night as she tends to the girls or in the morning when my sandals are M.I.A. and I’m late for work. As corny as it might sound, while focusing on the cleaning and organizing aspect of my domestication process I’ve made an effort to make sure my shoes end up in the same place. Nothing glorious happened as a result of my attentiveness. That is until today when putting away my shoes provided some divine intervention in my quest to become completely domesticated.

The destination for my shoes is a little cubby in our powdered room (wow, that sounds a bit pretentious…it’s whatever you call the space between our bedroom and bathroom).  Anyway, this serves as the same home to Jenn’s collection of Martha Stewart Living magazines. The light bulb went off and I finally realized who better to learn from on how to be the King of Cleaning, Cooking and Home Décor than the Queen of Domestication herself.

Flipping through the magazines, every house seemed picture perfect. Nothing was out of place. There was order, cleanliness and creativity. The meals that were pictured made me salivate and would appear to put Betty Crocker in her place. It seems like Martha has created a knick-knack for every holiday under the sun. 

I began to wonder if before Martha hit the big time and had a staff to take care of all her needs, whether her real house was neat and tidy or a complete train wreck due to having to pull an all nighter trying to create a the perfect goose recipe just in time for Lame Duck Day (that’s on February 6th if you were curious). Did Martha freak out when unexpected guests stopped by to say hello? When she signed up to take meals to her friends who just had babies, did she stress over whether her dish would be devoured or be considered second rate compared to the “Casserole Surprise” made by the soccer mom with the mini van who bought all of her supplies at Wally World? marthastewart_cellkeeping2

After all, she is Martha Stewart. The name brings with it some expectation of perfection. Now amp up that pressure a thousand and you’ll know how Martha felt the moment she stepped foot into West Virginia’s Alderson Prison to serve her five month sentence for lying to federal investigators. Knowing she had to impress Lil’ Mama, the Queen Bee of the yard, was almost too much for Martha to bear. Instantly, she went to work making commemorative Shiv & Shank sets, cigarette gift baskets, embossed license plates and decorative necklaces made out of teeth she found in the yard during exercise time. She somehow convinced the warden that those bright orange jumpsuits were blasé while black and white stripes made the ladies look slim. Martha struck fear in other prisoners when they noticed her berating the cafeteria workers because the pork & beans were not ‘spot on.’

It appeared that Martha was winning the inmates over especially after showing them the proper technique for scrubbing the floor with a toothbrush. Unfortunately not everything went according to plan. First, the cake she was trying to sneaky her roomie out of was so delicious that the prison guards ate the whole thing foiling the plot and causing her to spend a week in “The Hole.” Adding insult to injury, her team lost the holiday decoration contest.

Excusing this embarrassing lost as just as a blip on the radar, I decide to listen to Martha’s words of wisdom. She will serve as my Buddha to all things domesticated for April 2009. These three years of backdated Martha Stewart Living shall be considered the holy books guiding me towards the path of enlightenment. Hopefully, I will be able to achieve Zen while focusing on the gentle hum coming from the vacuum, dishwasher and laundry machine.

March 3, 2009

Yeah, After Second Thought I Am Going To Need That Rose And Ring Back

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , — 30tocure30 @ 11:05 pm

 

When Reality TV Goes Too Far...

When Reality TV Goes Too Far...

My life up to this point has had its fair share of awkward moments. Take for instance the day in 7th grade when I wasn’t paying attention and walked straight into the wrong bathroom. Or what about the time while in the crowded mall I came up behind my wife and gave her a cozy hug only to find out from the slap in the face I had suffered a bad case of mistake identity. Then there was the time I fell in a six-foot ditch after being chased by a pack of wild geese while on vacation.

Some would say that my luck, or lack thereof, is on par with Greg Focker from Meet The Parents. One of the reasons I trust Jenn and I are meant to be together is due to the fact it required a miracle from the God for this to take place after the wealth of awkward experiences that occurred while getting to know my in-laws. The summer after graduating college I spent out in Carmel, California where Jenn grew up.

This domesticated city boy looked really out of place during the family camping trip. The level of discomfort was taken up a notch when my tiny bladder decided to act up causing me to spend the majority of time in the state park restroom. A few weeks later Jenn and I were settling down to watch a movie when her parents decided they weren’t tired and instead staid up and joined us. The movie we watched this evening just happened to be Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo. I do not remember much of this Rob Schneider movie masterpiece because my hands were glued to my face the entire time out of shear embarrassment. There were probably other moments that summer that were on par with this, but I have attempted my best to erase then from my memory.

As awkward as all of these moments might be, nothing compares to the painful interaction I witnessed last night. It was a train wreck of epic proportions. Even though I wanted to divert my eyes, I never mustered enough strength to change the channel.  Like most of America, I remained on the edge of my seat befuddled at what I was watching wondering if reality television had finally reached the breaking point of bad taste. The dirty moment that made me want to go take a shower was none other than The Bachelor: After The Final Rose.

After losing interest in Heroes, I flipped over to watch The Bachelor (Jason Mesnick) give an engagement ring to Melissa. At first, it appeared much like previous seasons where the two cuddled and kissed as the credits ran. I went to go mark my calendar for a year from now so I could be sure to catch the TMZ episode that would report the couple destined to be together sent out press release through their agent saying they decided to part ways and were now “just friends.” Before I could even put the pen to paper, Jenn was urging me to get back in here.

What I then proceed to watch for the next hour made me feel completely uncomfortable. I kept asking myself if this was actually happening. This has to be scripted, didn’t it? If I could sense the awkwardness emanating from the television screen, I cannot imagine what Melissa went through in real time. I mean how do you respond to your fiancé when he says, “yeah, I think I am going to need that rose and ring back from you?”  I guess when your on primetime television you use the word Melissa uttered that rhymes with dastard.

Only six weeks after proposing to Melissa, Jason had a change of heart and decided to see if runner-up Molly wanted to grab “coffee or something.” Talk about being a flip flopper. How is it possible that he couldn’t make up his mind after devoting his entire focus to finding a mate from 25 eligible women? And to think I thought I struggled with being indecisive.

Every month so far I have enlisted the help of a few people to hold me accountable about changing my behavior and attitude. The first 30 days of becoming a man I relied on the strength from the guys in my small group. I sought the wisdom of outgoing people who were comfortable being in a crowd to get over being socially stunted. Last month involved reading articles from relationship experts and asking advice from husbands in strong marriages I admire. Knowing I wouldn’t hear the end of it from Jenn’s friends if I dropped the ball also kept me on my best behavior. Needless to say, the flip-flopping Bachelor will not be on my board of advisors for this month’s focus.  

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