Ladies, Ladies…Stop Staring At The Unathletic Man In Bright Red Gym Shorts

 

Can Someone Pass Me Some Aleve?

Guys, if you are married or in a relationship, do not fall for the “hey honey…. you want to take a class with me at the gym?” trap. If she poses this question to you on the phone pretend like you have a bad connection and instantly drop the call. Maybe she corners you at home asking you to humor her and do it just this one time. In this scenario, your out clauses are very limited. My advice would be to get up and “by accident” slam your knee against the coffee table or twist your ankle on a random kid’s toy lying on the ground. Even though it will cause you physical pain, the hurt is worth it as you have an instant out. Now, if all else fails and you find yourself wavering, remember this old saying from yesteryear:

 

Fool you once; you are forced to do yoga in droopy gym shorts

Fool you twice; you realize you are the only guy in Pilates

Fool you three times; you take Bodypump and the only body parts you can move afterwards are the tips of your fingers.

 

Alright, I just came up with this saying, as I lay sprawled out on the couch waiting for the Aleve to finally kick in after an evening at Gold’s Gym. Being able to move off this couch and into my own bed tonight will be a work of God as my legs are completely numb. I slipped up and decided to support Jenn in her quest to train for a half-marathon by agreeing to go to Bodypump. Sometimes I think I will never learn.

The physical pain I can deal with because I know it is only temporary. It is the social torment that I cannot get over. Even though there were 40 people jam packed in the classroom, it felt like all eyes were on the uncoordinated, unbalanced and unathletic man in the bright red running shorts. If that did not get them staring then watching his feeble arms flapping in the wind as he musters all his strength to push up the barbell that is presently indented on his chest.

I realize tonight I am ultra aware of my issues after doing some research on ways to get over shyness. The first step in the process towards change was to determine why you are shy in the first place. The line of thinking is if one can pinpoint the reason(s) for why they react in the way they do in certain situations it will enable them to come up with a solution.

This is an emotional road I do not want to travel down. Having to relive memories and confront past hurts does not have me jumping for joy or pushing people out of the way to be first in line. But, knowing change only comes through work I go all Sherlock Holmes and dig a little deeper.

The conclusion I came up with is that no matter how many years have passed I still see myself as the awkward, overweight pre-teen dressed in turtlenecks checking his thick glasses and picking gum out of his braces while he watches people having fun as he sits alone in the bleachers. Wanting so desperately to fit in and be part of the crowd, the poor kid never felt comfortable in his own skin. Now, that is some pain no amount of Aleve can cure. Wow, that is a depressing way to end a blog entry. Here is a bit of good news. I can finally feel my calves. Maybe sleeping in my own bed tonight is actually a possibility after all. 

Don’t Pee Your Pants… Socially Stunted You Are Up

After a long winter break, class is finally back in session. All my issues come parading into the room ready to show off their latest Christmas attire. When ‘anger’ notices that ‘lack of patience’ has on the same pair of Sanuk Sandals he promptly blows a fuse. Typical reaction.

The majority of the struggles mingle in the front of the room chatting up a storm only stopping their rambling when breathing is needed.  A few of the others whip out their new iPhone and start twittering away or whatever the kids call it nowadays. Scanning the room, I notice the back row of desks and the issue sitting all by himself. It dawns on me that he never makes eye contact, always has his iPod buds in his ears and mumbles when asked a question.

Suddenly my thoughts are interrupted when ‘lack of manliness’ struts his stuff. After being at the head of the class for the past month, he is full of machismo. There is a bit more confidence in his step. He foolishly thinks the ladies are checking him out now. What ‘manliness’ fails to realize is that they’ve nicknamed him ‘patchy’ for his inability to grow facial hair after 30 days of not shaving.

Back to the socially stunted kid who avoids conversations like the plague. When someone does engage him the nervous tics start to go off like fireworks. As I quiet the issues and struggles down to let them know it is that time to pick a new leader of the pack, he starts shifting nervously in his chair. I know chances are good ‘socially stunted’ might soil himself if he becomes the center of attention, but enough is enough. It is his time to shine. Shine or stutter. Either way we are going to work this issue out.

When I call him forward, he hesitates, but eventually gives in. Many of the struggles are confused because they never noticed the kid before in class. He is that quiet. I ask him are you ready for some fun? Face downcast, he mutters out quietly, “um…yeah…I…um..g-g-g-uess…so.” Wow, do we have a lot of work ahead of us.

 

So, for the next month my focus will be:

30 Days To Quit Being Socially Stunted